Unpopular Opinion: We Need More Positivity, Not Less

"Toxic positivity" became one of those phrases that started appearing everywhere. Someone shares a difficult experience, and suddenly there's a warning not to be "toxically positive."

Someone suggests looking on the bright side, and they're accused of dismissing real emotions. Someone talks about gratitude, resilience, or optimism, and there's often a reminder that "it's okay to be sad too." And here's the thing: I agree that it's okay to be sad.

I agree that difficult emotions shouldn't be ignored, or brushed aside with a cheerful quote and a smiley face. But I also don't entirely agree with how the idea of toxic positivity is sometimes used. We've become so focused on validating negative emotions that we've started treating positivity itself with suspicion.

Being Positive Doesn't Mean Pretending Everything Is Fine

When life falls apart, positivity isn't pretending nothing happened. It's acknowledging that something painful happened and deciding not to let it consume your entire existence.

There's a huge difference between denial and hope.

Denial says, "Everything is perfect." Hope says, "Things are hard right now, but I believe they can get better." One ignores reality. The other helps you survive it.

Gratitude Isn't Ignorance

I've often seen gratitude criticized as if it's a way of avoiding problems. But for me, gratitude has never been about pretending my problems don't exist. It's about refusing to let them become the only thing I see.

You can be worried about money and still be grateful for what you have.

You can be grieving and still appreciate the people who love you.

You can be struggling and still notice a beautiful sunset.

Those things are not mutually exclusive. Life has always contained joy and suffering at the same time. Focusing on one doesn't erase the other.

Difficult Emotions Deserve Space—Just Not All of It

Sadness, anger, disappointment serves a purpose. They're real emotions that tell us something important and help us process our experiences. They deserve acknowledgement.

Reflection and self-awareness are valuable. This is probably the part where a lot of people will disagree with me: BUT eventually, there has to come a point where you get up. Not because the pain is gone, but because life continues.

Toxic versus Healthy Positivity

I think it's important to make a distinction. Most of what people call "positivity" isn't toxic at all. Toxic positivity isn't gratitude, optimism, or hope. It's when positivity is used to avoid, dismiss, or silence legitimate emotions. Healthy positivity recognizes the pain, then leaves room for hope afterward.

Losing a Job

        Toxic positivity:

"Everything happens for a reason. Just stay positive!"

        Healthy positivity:

"Losing a job is really tough. It's okay to be upset about it. I know things are difficult right now, but I believe you'll find your footing again."

Grieving a Loved One

        Toxic positivity:

"At least they're in a better place."

"Don't cry, they wouldn't want you to be sad."

        Healthy positivity:

"I'm so sorry. This must hurt a lot. I'm here for you."

Personal Failure

        Toxic positivity:

"Don't be negative. Everything is fine."

        Healthy positivity:

"That didn't work out the way you hoped. It's disappointing. But one setback doesn't define your future."

The Difference in One Sentence

        Toxic positivity says:

"Stop feeling bad."

        Healthy positivity says:

        "It's okay to feel bad, but that's not the end of the story." 

Looking for a silver lining isn't the same thing as denying reality. Offering hope isn't the same thing as telling someone not to feel sad.

Positivity Can Be a Skill

I don't think some people are naturally positive while others aren't. I think positivity is often a practice. A deliberate choice. A habit of directing your attention toward possibility instead of hopelessness.

That doesn't mean forcing happiness. It means training yourself to notice that difficulties aren't the entire story. Some days that choice is easy while other days it feels almost impossible.

The fact that it requires effort doesn't make it fake. If anything, it makes it more meaningful.

The Most Resilient People I Know Are Grateful

The people I admire most aren't the ones who have never suffered. They're often the ones who have suffered the most.

They've experienced great loss and setbacks. Yet somehow they're still able to laugh, and appreciate small things. They are still able to look forward to tomorrow.

Gratitude is one of the things that carries them through difficult seasons.

Maybe We Need More Positivity, Not Less

I understand why the phrase "toxic positivity" exists. Nobody wants their pain dismissed. Nobody wants to hear "just be happy" when they're struggling. But I also think we've become hesitant to acknowledge how valuable positivity can be.

Being grateful isn't toxic.

Having hope isn't toxic.

Looking for the good in a difficult situation isn't toxic.

Sometimes those things are exactly what help us keep moving forward. Life will always give us reasons to complain, worry, and despair. The challenge is finding reasons to live anyway.

Not because the darkness isn't real, but because the light is real too.

No Rhyme, Just Reason is a Taupō, New Zealand–based blog by Ariane about books, good food, long walks, and unapologetic naps.