Beyond 50/50

Marriage, I’ve learned, is not a constant 50/50.

It would be convenient if it were—fair in the way spreadsheets are fair. Neat columns, equal rows, a perfect balance you could point to and say, See? We’re both doing exactly the same.

But marriage does not live in spreadsheets. It lives in real life. And real life is uneven.

This past week, John was the lead tech on a new project at work. Every morning, he left earlier than our usual 7:15, and every evening he didn’t get home until after 8 pm.

Usually, we have an unspoken system: if one cooks, the other washes the dishes. It’s our version of domestic diplomacy. But this week, I handled all the cooking, all the washing, and the small, invisible tasks that keep a home from falling apart. John would come home utterly exhausted, able only to eat, shower, and go straight to bed.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining. I did it gladly, and I'd continue to do it even if it lasted a month, or a year. (I’m grateful, though, that the commissioning was successful last Sunday. Now, John can finally take a well-deserved break.)

Marriage will not always be 50/50. Last week it was 80/20, maybe even 90/10—and that was okay.

Marriage, I’m learning, is not about always carrying equal weight. It’s about knowing when to carry more.

There have been seasons when he carried me. There have been days when my energy feels threadbare, when I have nothing left to give except my physical presence—and even that feels like effort. On those days, he quietly picks up the pieces I drop without keeping score.

Love is not proven in the easy weeks, when both people are rested, generous, and have extra to give. Love is proven in the uneven weeks—the inconvenient weeks, the weeks when one person is stretched thin and the other steps forward without being asked.

We are back to our usual routine—back to 50/50, or something close to it. But I know now that 50/50 is not the goal. The goal is 100/100: both people willing to give everything they can, when they can.

Some weeks it will look balanced. Some weeks it will not. But the balance exists across time, not within a single day.

Marriage is not about dividing the work evenly.

It is about never letting the other person carry the weight alone. ♡

No Rhyme, Just Reason is a Taupō, New Zealand–based blog by Ariane about books, good food, long walks, and unapologetic naps.